Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I supernannyed him into submission
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
