we were pretty classy up until the second keg
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
