listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
