when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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