ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
