battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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