I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have fence marks all over my body
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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