I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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