I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
