even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
