I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
