I wish I could punch you in the face.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
