wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
