i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
