I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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