i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
