I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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