The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't tell me you're on acid again
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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