i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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