VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
MIDGETS
????
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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