Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
