Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
