Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
