the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm having to shit out rocks
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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