Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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