Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
