You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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