Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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