Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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