I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
