I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
