My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
