Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
