If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
