I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
