The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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