We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
