he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
