What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
