here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
