Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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