And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
