An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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