they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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