In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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