Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
