well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
