you inspire me to be a worse person
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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