You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
