Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
