well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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