Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
